Diary of a FAT Lady

There is more to life than sadness


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You got me!!

I’m tired of trying. I want to eat my way through a store full of chocolate, cookies and cake, and then just wallow in my fatness.
Shedding fat for me is a bit like trying to run away from your own shadow…impossible! I try to run away from my fat self, but somehow she always finds me!!!
Ok. OK. Ok!!!! I’m tired. I give up. You got me!

Doafl.

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A year

Its been a year. A year since I started this blog in hopes to document my 100 lb weight loss journey.

I have not lost 100 lbs. Not 80 lbs. Not even 60 lbs, or 40 Lbs. What I did lose was my patience, and hope, and my desire. I tried and tried and tried then gave up, then tried again. I joined different diet groups, different weight loss plans; I tried just cutting out junk food, and increasing activity; I tried adding more vegetables, eating less sugar, sleeping more, stressing less; I tried gluten free, sugar free, carb free, fat free… At different times to see what would work best for my body.
I have seen very little results. I got a scale, I bought a treadmill, I got inspired by blogs, learned new recipes online; I engaged my kids in more activities so that we could all stay active, and I’d have less opportunity to stay home, eat and get more depressed.

I HAVE TRIED WITH ALL I GOT!!!

But, I am really only slightly less fat than I was a year ago. So slight that no one can see a difference. Not even me. So what now??

Now, I don’t give up. I cannot give up. I must keep going. I must keep trying. I cannot give up my dreams of being thin. I hate being fat. I hate feeling over weight. I hate the rolls and bulges. I would love to feel healthy. I would love not to be at risk of diabetes, heart disease and health concerns associated with obesity. I would love to be able to run. I would love to buy clothes from the regular stores in regular sizes. I would love to wear high heels without feeling pain in my knees and my back.

So, I will keep trying.

I will go another year.

Doafl.

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Ready to walk

To the runner walking seems mundane, but to the crawler, walking is a thrilling new elevation, that lifts ones curiosity and accelerates joy. Crawling gets you into new places, but walking leads you to reach higher heights, and cover more ground at a much faster pace.

When my babies were about a year old, I started to prepare myself and my space for the tiny feet that would soon trod all over the house.  I knew their walking feet meant my nervous heart, especially around staircases and countertops that were formerly unreachable. No matter how much baby proofing though, they somehow would find a way to get into a mess.

Still, walking also represented an important milestone.

I feel like I have been crawling through life for some time. While I have been getting places and creeping through accomplishments, the days have felt slow and painful on my knees because I used to be one who ran marathons through my days and triathlons through my nights. Illness slowed me to a crawl. Crawling however, has taught me how to slow life down, live in the moment and take time for self discovery. Crawling has literally and figuratively grounded me. I have spent years sitting in my existence, surveying my surroundings. On the ground, at my lowest point, I grew tenacious about overcoming depression. I laboriously grew a determination to live and a desire to do great things. It has been a long and arduous journey on my knees -but now I am ready to walk.

I can only imagine what new heights I can reach, now that I am tottering on my feet.
One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, I will take unsure take steps. I will not fear falling.
I will bravely walk through crowds, facing panic head on.
I will walk shoulder to shoulder with my colleagues, and not feel ‘less than’.
I will reach and hold on, then let go and let my feet take me forward. I am ready.

Doafl


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Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Why the hell was he up there anyway? Did he not realize how fragile he was and how easily he could break? Like Humpty, I find myself up on that wall. I am in a place in life right now where I am feeling fragile, but I am taking the risk. After hiding my fat self away for years from public eyes and scrutiny, I am finally “out there” braving the world, ignoring the fact that I am 100lbs more than I am comfortable with and realizing that every time I see someone I used to know, the first thing they are thinking is “wow, she’s put on a lot of weight!!!” I would fall off the wall if they actually say that out loud, so I am hoping no one does … Because if they do, I’m afraid there won’t be anyone who can put me back together again.

Doafl.


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To what scale?

To what scale or degree do I want to lose weight? Thats a great question, since I don’t even own a scale right now. New year, renewed weight loss goal… Continue my 100LB weight loss journey thru 2014. They say That goals should be SMART-simple, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely.
As I review my weight loss achievements this year, and plan for the new year ahead, I ask myself how SMART I have made my weight loss goal.
Last year April (2013) I set out on a year long journey towards a hundred pound weight loss. As of now, January 1, 2014, I don’t know how close or how far I am to reaching this goal. To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t own a scale anymore because I don’t want to obsess about each milla- pound I don’t lose, and I don’t want to be able to measure my failure. I thought wanted controlled weekly weigh- ins at a public place would control my weigh- in obsessions.
I was going to one program to weigh in weekly but got frustrated with the slow or no progress that the program presented. Then, I started another program, that proved quick results each week on the scale but had a food plan that was not very sustainable. Then I tried the ” forgetaboutit” attitude for a while in hopes I would just feel the shrinkage. Each approach had both pros and cons.
So what now?
Im not sure. But here are some ideas…
1. Now I think I am gonna rely on you, my virtual friends to keep me on track and motivated. Please write me and let me know your opinion, advise, warnings, sayings or whatever. I am hoping you can help me keep it real.

2. I’m gonna BUY a SCALE and pay more attention to my food intake. This way my goal and progress will be measurable.

3. I’m gonna take my vitamins. I need calcium supplements, probiotics and iron, according to My blood work. I need to love and appreciate my stomach while repair is still possible. Daily Supplements and vitamins will keep my goal timely.

4. Invest in at home gym equipment, like a treadmill. Because I have a busy family of 5 it is not always possible to go to the gym. Having equipment at home will make exercising simple.

5. Find ways to develop an active lifestyle with my family. This will help make my goal for a healthier me more attainable. I want to get my kids involved in sports or other extra-curricular activities. This was impossible to do as a depressed mom. I would like to make efforts to engage in activities with them now, while I still can pass on healthy habits to them.

I feel like a hippopotamus sometimes, but I want to feel like a long lean giraffe. My focus going forward is gonna be on the scale: the scale to which I feel closer to my long and lean self, and the scale to which I decline in pounds.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!
Best Wishes for 2014!
From Doafl.


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No weight, only Gratitude

I have not weighed in. I do not know my weight. I’m…
Tired.
Full.
Fat.
Beautiful.
Proud.

I am feeling proud of myself for so many other accomplishments right now that I refuse to see my weight struggle as a failure. Yes, I have much weight to lose, and I sigh at the many posts of others who have had great weight loss this year. But, this year I have gained so very much!
During the holiday season, I think it is mentally healthy and important for us to take inventory of who we are, how blessed we are, and what kind of person we are in this world:
I am a good mother; a caring daughter; a loving wife; a supportive sister, and a compassionate friend. I have overcome my depths of despair; I am a Masters graduate; (the photo is my celebratory cake from my surprise party); I am gainfully employed, and I am full of gratitude each day for all that I have and all the wonderful people that I have in my life.

…I still plot my next strategy for weight loss, but I do it with such self respect and gratitude that there is no room for distain, but only room for hope (…and a little celebratory cheese cake! Lol)

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